Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Has Anyone Seen my Motivation?

I have a confession to make that's really hard for me: I'm human. I know...you're shocked, right? It's hard for me to wrap my head around it. The last few months life has hit me with its best shot, and I'm having a hard time being motivated to run. It's not a feeling to which I am accustomed. 

In general I'm a very driven person.  I work hard, I play hard, I run hard. Lately it's been work hard, crash at home and sleep a lot. One out of three isn't bad? I obviously had to decide to defer the New York Marathon for a year, but I didn't expect it would take so long to get back into a workout groove. To be honest I'm still struggling to get back into a normal life groove, and working out has taken a back seat.

Last week I ran once and swam once. I get it - it's better than nothing. But given that my intention is to run four days a week and swim 1-2, I'm way behind. I took running clothes to West Virginia last weekend when we went to visit my parents and go to the WVU/Oklahoma game. I didn't even pretend like I might go for a run once I got there. I had several cups of coffee and sat on the couch. 

In West Virginia for the WVU/Oklahoma game

Yesterday, after driving 6.5 hours from Morgantown, WV to Lansing, I kept going three more hours to Boyne Mountain where I was giving a presentation. I packed running clothes thinking that I'd get up this morning and hit the pavement. I arrived at Boyne and worked until around midnight. When my alarm went off this morning at 7 am I promptly reset it. My motivation is non-existent. 

A few years ago I had a small bowel obstruction that took a shot at my motivation. I got it back then, and I know that I will again.  It's been nearly two months since I got out of the hospital. While I know that isn't a lot of time, it feels like an eternity. It feels like I should feel 100% again. In a lot of ways I do, but running is still a challenge. I'm really winded, and on days when I run I find myself struggling for the rest of the day.

I know the recovery process is a marathon. You'd think that's an analogy I'd understand. I remember back in July when walking to the door in my hospital room took Herculean effort. Now I'm working and running (even if it's less than I'd like) and being social and traveling. Life feels almost back to normal, and it feels good overall. When I think back to two months ago I can't believe how far I've come. I've got to remember to cut myself some slack. If I reset the alarm for a few months, the world won't come to an end.

So how can I get my groove back? Be kind to myself. Surround myself with people who are loving and supportive. Take a deep breath, read a good book, take a long walk. Even though this hiatus has been difficult for me (I haven't done a race in three months), there will always be races to do. I have to keep remembering that. If I forget I may need someone to remind me...and I'll even try to listen. 


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