Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Embracing the Chaos

I'm a control freak. I like things my way, and I like to manage everything. When I was 19 and first became sick with what we would later discover was Crohn's, it was a giant slap in the face. It was the first time I realized that when it really matters, I don't control anything. It has only been through four abdominal surgeries and twelve years of IV infusions every six weeks (plus regular antibiotics) that I have been able to keep my disease under control.  Although I like to think that it's the medicine only combined with my sheer tenacity that has really kept me going.

Despite the evident (yet rarely acknowledged) fact that I can't control everything, I was still thrown for a loop when we started our quest to have a child.  Once we made the decision to adopt I thought I had moved past a lot of the emotional issues, and yet sometimes I am surprised by how this process can emotionally blindside me just when I think I've got it all under control. This isn't the first time I've felt antsy, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

I've dealt with all of the challenges in my life the only way I know how - head on, pushing through, and piling so many things on my plate that I don't have time to think. I just keep moving.  That includes (requires actually) taking trips and running races. Right now I feel a certain amount of panic at the thought that I don't have a long race coming up in the near future.  We also don't have a vacation planned despite my fervent attempts to pin my husband down on a trip somewhere after Christmas.

Having no travel or race plans makes me feel panicked. With the long list of things I can't control looming in front of me, I need to have something I can manage. In the meantime I'm doing my absolute best to embrace the unpredictability and chaos of life and appreciate it for what it is. Even in times of uncertainty my life is filled with blessings. This is something I have to hold onto and be grateful for.  So I will work out a little harder, attempt to stress a little less, and drink a little more wine. And scour race and travel websites for the next fun opportunity.      

This picture doesn't really go with this blog except to remind me that good friends,
a cute dog, wine and a boat ride can make life complete.


  1. I love your Boxer. I too have a boxer and the love that our dogs give us is immeasurable. I have found great solace in chaos just being with my "Sheba".
    "Let Go and Let God" seems so cliché but it is very weighty when properly done!

  2. She's actually my friend's boxer - but she's a lover! I have a Golden Retriever and a Portuguese Water Dog. They are so great!