Tuesday, February 11, 2014

The Art of Waiting

If you asked those closest to me how they would describe me I can imagine the answers you'd get. I'd like to think they would say I'm wildly candid, witty, inappropriate, loyal, loud, brash and funny.  I'm quite sure the word "patient" wouldn't be brought up by anyone. Ever.  Perhaps that is why the universe has presented me this challenge of waiting to have a child. What's the best way to teach an extremely impatient person to be patient? Make them wait for something over which they have no control. I wouldn't say I'm the world's most patient person yet, but it has certainly pushed me out of my patience comfort zone.

We live in a world of instant gratification. It's amazing that we want it all, and we expect it to just be there at our fingertips. I'm as guilty as anyone else. I find myself checking Facebook on my phone while waiting in line at Target. What happened to just waiting? When did I become that person who has to constantly be entertained instead of just waiting patiently?

I always thought I would have lots of children. I am one of four, and I can't imagine not having my siblings. My brother and I are only 15 months apart, and I do not have a single childhood memory where he's not present. I want that for my own children - those people in your life who remember the same things you do, who are your constant friends and companions. Sure I haven't always gotten along with my siblings 100 percent of the time, but they're the best link to my past and the ones most certain to be there in the future. 

Here I am at age 35, and the window to have lots of children is slowly closing. We started trying to have a family five years ago, and we've been waiting on the adoption approval list for two full years at the beginning of March. I'll be honest - the wait can be torture. I don't think about it constantly like I did the first year, but it's always in the back of my mind...the what if. What if today is the day someone picks us? What if today is the day our lives change forever? Or even worse...what if it isn't?

After nearly two years my level of hope has really gone down. It's too difficult to constantly be hoping that today is the day. I spent months jumping every single time the phone rang, hoping THIS was the call. Now I try to prepare myself for the worst...what if it never happens?  I still know that it will, but it doesn't make the wait any easier. 

Waiting is an art; not a science. I'm not sure I've got it down, but at some point I don't have a choice. One day the phone will ring, and our life will change in ways I know we cannot even imagine. I will continue to try to enjoy these days and moments where we can do whatever we want without thinking about it. It will happen soon enough, and I will probably find myself wishing I could run out the door on a whim. I know anything good is worth waiting for. Besides it builds character, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment