No Cracks, No Breaks, No Mistakes, No Pressure

I am the type of person who aggressively has my shit together. What makes me so insanely anal? Was I born this way? Did I mold myself into this organized maniac as a result of environmental circumstances? Did my parents see me behave as the together one and as a result created a world where I didn't get to be anything else? My guess is: yes.

I appreciate that I'm ridiculous. I fully unpack the moment we get back from a trip even if it's really late. I have a packing list in a spreadsheet that I update for each trip. I do laundry every other day. When my son gets home from school I pack his lunch for the next day before we even think about dinner (also I LOVE packing his lunch, picking out his clothes, packing his backpack. Won't relinquish it). I have recurring calendar reminders to send birthday cards and presents to people I love. I go to the gym at 5 am so I can fit it into the day. I pick out my clothes for important events weeks in advance. The other day, at 6:30 am when I had already gone to the gym and walked the dog my husband said, "You get more done before 7 a.m. than most people do all day."

I don't recount any of these things to brag. I honestly and truly don't know how to be any other way. The idea of not having my shit together is so utterly terrifying that I have resorted to the other extreme. I rarely sit down because when I sit down I crash. The constant pursuit of the closest I can get to perfection is, quite frankly, exhausting. 

Celebrating planks 13 weeks after shoulder surgery.
Can't stop; won't stop.
Actually just cannot stop.

A few weeks ago I had a session with my therapist to talk about an event I didn't want to attend but was feeling pressured. My therapist asked me why I cared. I told her I know how people see me. I'm not an idiot. They assume I think I'm better than everyone else particularly if I don't attend an event or respond to something or do what's expected. She knows lack of response is a boundary for me. I don't respond because doing so affects my mental health.

She told me I'm a grown up and can do whatever I want, but if I DON'T go I know what will be whispered. The same narrative will continue. For the first time in 12 years of seeing her I was angry. I appreciate her tough love strategy and don't want her to just tell me what I want to hear. But I felt so resentful. Why do I have to be the one who always does the right thing? Why do I have to be the one who supports people who do not ever (or rarely) support me? Why do I have to plan things and be supportive and make the effort when other people don't? Because sometimes I'd just like to say fuck it like other people get to.

The amount of pressure I feel to be the "good" mother/wife/daughter/sister/friend/colleague sometimes feels crippling. I feel like Louisa in Encanto under the weight of all the pressure. Once I forgot to send a present to a family member (ONCE!) and got a passive aggressive text about it (from someone who sporadically sends my child gifts). I was a stark reminder that I don't get the luxury of forgetting things or not being with it. 

This photo was taking during a really fun night with great friends
who know that I am very extroverted but also don't often let down my guard.

I try my absolute hardest to teach my son to be kind and considerate without passing down the crippling expectations I feel every day. I appreciate that nobody feels sorry for the person who has her shit together, and I'm not asking anyone to. But I also don't think anyone knows how much work I feel like I HAVE to do even when I don't want to. I've done work from the hospital. I've put my own (physical and mental) health aside to be a good employee/friend/family member. I've agreed to be helpful and supportive even when it's not best for me because it doesn't feel like I have a choice. And obviously being helpful and supportive should be the right answer. But I recall many times in the last few years when I desperately needed support but only a few who know me very well thought to ask (or not ask; just do). I'm never going to ask. I don't feel like I get to. 

And when the perception is that I think I'm better than someone or I'm angry or impatient, those are my defenses. It took me a long time to be okay with how my boundaries are perceived, and I still struggle with it. My defense mechanism is responding with anger when I'm hurt. 

Thank goodness for therapy because Lord knows I'm a work in progress. As much as I feel pressure to be a certain way, there's no one who is harder on me than I am on myself. I'm working every day to be kinder to myself and okay when I fail (or to worry if others think I've failed). I mean maybe Hercules should've been like, "Yo I don't wanna fight Cerberus."