The Year I Lost Myself
I realize it's a gross generalization, but many women I knew tend to lose themselves in external things - children, jobs, marriage, the sheer volume of things to accomplish. I've always had a strong sense of self. Even in having a child (despite the struggle to get here) I didn't lose myself. I went on my first work trip when my son was two months old. I ran a half marathon when he was four months old and a marathon before his first birthday. In those first few years I struck a balance between being me and being mommy that made me pretty happy.
In 2016 I left a job I'd held for a while and hit the reset button, and in that process I felt an even stronger sense of self. I decided I wouldn't do things that didn't make me happy. I wouldn't settle for anything in life - work, friendships, experiences - that were toxic. It was happy or nothing. As I entered the last year of my 30s I felt like I really had it figured out. I was still a top priority, and that was kind of a big deal.
Then it all came crashing down. I've had a career in local government/municipal policy for the last fifteen years, and I've never been bored. I've dealt with 24 hour legislative sessions, busy travel schedules and balancing motherhood/marriage/travel/etc with work. I was in a place where I thought becoming the Mayor's Chief of Staff would not be that unmanageable given my organizational skills.
Okay let me say that obviously I knew it would be an adjustment. I knew it would be busier, there'd be a lot to learn, and it would be hard. But I thought I would figure it out, hop back into my normal(ish) life balance and be good.
I was extremely naive. Here's the thing about life at this level of city government: it never slows down. Sure it ebbs and flows a bit, but it's a level of busy and intense for which I wasn't quite prepared. I recall lame duck legislative sessions where I was swamped and life was crazy. Nobody prepared me that this job would feel like that every single day.
Sometimes I get home after city council meetings, my lower back pinched from sitting in a chair for 5-6 hours, and it hurts to walk up the stairs in my garage. (Okay by sometimes I mean three Mondays every month). I often fall exhausted into bed shortly after my son, before 9 pm. For the first six months of last year I was regularly spending my son's weekend nap time catching up in the office.
The busyness wasn't as much of a surprise as the lack of balance it created and the guilt. For most of last year I felt like I was working constantly. I never turned it off. I was up in the middle of the night worrying and walking through different issues in my head. My level of exhaustion became pervasive.
I also didn't take any significant time off (other than a random day here or there) for the first eight months. By the time we went to Boston and Maine in August I was out of steam. The vacation came at just the right time because I needed a little distance.
As the year ended work slowed a bit as the holidays tend to force. Council had its last meeting in early December, and my Mondays were free for nearly a month. I had days where I actually sat at my desk as opposed to running between meetings. I had time to breathe.
The new year rang in, and I decided that something had to give this year. While I cannot and will not be less dedicated to my job, I have to sort through the busy to find my center. This starts with exercise. While I'm not running the way I need/want to be, I did join a gym on New Year's Eve. It's been amazing. I spent 30 minutes at the gym this morning, and I still can't feel my shoulders. Worth it. I have prioritized time to work out. Some weeks that means getting there at 5:30 am. Some weeks I am able to go at lunch or to a class at the end of the day. I will make time for it.
I will make quality time for my family. I will put my phone down and spend time with my son and husband. I will do my very best to not be distracted and give myself a break when those times come that I have to get something done. I'm still working on this one, but I think I'm getting somewhere.
I will take more time off. I won't let eight months go without travel and at least partially disconnecting. We went to Florida in January, and we're back in Florida for a weekend again this month. While it may only be a day here or there, it's critical to take that time to find myself.
I won't do insane things like check my phone in the middle of the night (I was doing that...regularly) or feel guilty doing important things like going to the doctor. I will give myself a break. I have to.
I'm nearly two months into the new year, and I can slowly feel myself coming back. I feel it every time I walk my dog (which is another thing I've let go) or when I'm pushing through those last few seconds of an interval at the gym.
I love my city, and I love this job. To do either of those things justice I have to keep grounded. Whether this job lasts three more years or seven or who knows how long I know I won't be good at it unless I'm focusing on me.
In 2016 I left a job I'd held for a while and hit the reset button, and in that process I felt an even stronger sense of self. I decided I wouldn't do things that didn't make me happy. I wouldn't settle for anything in life - work, friendships, experiences - that were toxic. It was happy or nothing. As I entered the last year of my 30s I felt like I really had it figured out. I was still a top priority, and that was kind of a big deal.
Then it all came crashing down. I've had a career in local government/municipal policy for the last fifteen years, and I've never been bored. I've dealt with 24 hour legislative sessions, busy travel schedules and balancing motherhood/marriage/travel/etc with work. I was in a place where I thought becoming the Mayor's Chief of Staff would not be that unmanageable given my organizational skills.
Okay let me say that obviously I knew it would be an adjustment. I knew it would be busier, there'd be a lot to learn, and it would be hard. But I thought I would figure it out, hop back into my normal(ish) life balance and be good.
I was extremely naive. Here's the thing about life at this level of city government: it never slows down. Sure it ebbs and flows a bit, but it's a level of busy and intense for which I wasn't quite prepared. I recall lame duck legislative sessions where I was swamped and life was crazy. Nobody prepared me that this job would feel like that every single day.
Sometimes I get home after city council meetings, my lower back pinched from sitting in a chair for 5-6 hours, and it hurts to walk up the stairs in my garage. (Okay by sometimes I mean three Mondays every month). I often fall exhausted into bed shortly after my son, before 9 pm. For the first six months of last year I was regularly spending my son's weekend nap time catching up in the office.
The busyness wasn't as much of a surprise as the lack of balance it created and the guilt. For most of last year I felt like I was working constantly. I never turned it off. I was up in the middle of the night worrying and walking through different issues in my head. My level of exhaustion became pervasive.
I also didn't take any significant time off (other than a random day here or there) for the first eight months. By the time we went to Boston and Maine in August I was out of steam. The vacation came at just the right time because I needed a little distance.
As the year ended work slowed a bit as the holidays tend to force. Council had its last meeting in early December, and my Mondays were free for nearly a month. I had days where I actually sat at my desk as opposed to running between meetings. I had time to breathe.
The new year rang in, and I decided that something had to give this year. While I cannot and will not be less dedicated to my job, I have to sort through the busy to find my center. This starts with exercise. While I'm not running the way I need/want to be, I did join a gym on New Year's Eve. It's been amazing. I spent 30 minutes at the gym this morning, and I still can't feel my shoulders. Worth it. I have prioritized time to work out. Some weeks that means getting there at 5:30 am. Some weeks I am able to go at lunch or to a class at the end of the day. I will make time for it.
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| With my girl Nikki at the gym. |
I will take more time off. I won't let eight months go without travel and at least partially disconnecting. We went to Florida in January, and we're back in Florida for a weekend again this month. While it may only be a day here or there, it's critical to take that time to find myself.
I won't do insane things like check my phone in the middle of the night (I was doing that...regularly) or feel guilty doing important things like going to the doctor. I will give myself a break. I have to.
I'm nearly two months into the new year, and I can slowly feel myself coming back. I feel it every time I walk my dog (which is another thing I've let go) or when I'm pushing through those last few seconds of an interval at the gym.
I love my city, and I love this job. To do either of those things justice I have to keep grounded. Whether this job lasts three more years or seven or who knows how long I know I won't be good at it unless I'm focusing on me.
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