Please Do Not Confuse Your Flu/Pregnancy/etc with my Chronic Illness
For me the key to psychologically dealing with chronic illness is to always know it could be worse. Even on my absolute sickest days I am grateful that I can handle this. I know there are people who are suffering in ways I can't imagine. I would rather be sick from Crohn's every minute of every day than have my son be sick even for a moment. I can deal with my sickness. I can handle whatever is thrown at me.
The adage goes something like, "Be kind. Everyone you know is fighting their own battle." I know that to be true, and my battle is different than anyone else's. I also almost always choose to believe mine is easier and more manageable. One of the things I've discovered is that people often try to empathize with me, and I'd say they do it poorly about 90 percent of the time. I appreciate that people want to relate, but please think about what you're saying.
I had someone recently get over the flu and say to me, "Now I know what you go through." Um please don't. I appreciate that it's probably intended to be merely a way to relate, but it's condescending. The flu sucks, but it's temporary. I'm not saying flu sufferers don't have the right to be frustrated and sick and complain. But think about the complaint and to whom it's directed.
The most common insensitive comments I get compare having Crohn's to pregnancy. I will publish the rest of this post with a warning because I'm sure it'll make some people angry (how many people will unfriend me on Facebook today?) While I've never been pregnant I have zero illusions that it's difficult and uncomfortable to grow a small human. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of it that doesn't feel great. But the condition of pregnancy is two things: temporary and voluntary. I'm also pretty sure that if pregnancy were the worst thing ever we'd have a world filled with only children.
I regularly have people compare pregnancy to Crohn's symptoms, and that comment almost always makes me want to stab someone in the face. I'm not making that comparison to say that challenges during pregnancy aren't valid, but again they're temporary and voluntary. I actually do have a few friends who ended up with lifetime health challenges because of their pregnancies, and that's different. I know one's body changes after giving birth, and I'm empathetic to that (mainly because it also changes with six abdominal surgeries and having involuntarily lost and regained the same 30 pounds a half dozen times in the last decade).
At one point in my life (not too long ago) I desperately wanted to be pregnant. I wanted it more than anything in the world. I wanted it so much that I went through tons of testing and blood draws and took fertility medication that made me a crazy person and threw my Crohn's out of wack. I had a meltdown every month for three years when I started my period. It was physically frustrating and emotionally devastating. When my husband and I decided to adopt my OB/GYN hugged me fiercely and said she was glad. She told me that it wasn't a good idea for me to carry a baby with all of my surgeries and scar tissue and Crohn's issues. She said that if I really wanted to continue with infertility treatments and I got pregnant, I'd be very high risk. She said it was doable but not the best idea. Once I let go of the idea of being pregnant my mind and my body thanked me. It was really hard to grieve not carrying a child, but I knew it was the best decision.
I can't imagine our life any differently, and our son is the center of our world. But please, if you have a friend suffering from a chronic illness, do not compare your pregnancy or frankly any other condition to that illness. It's so frustrating.
For example in the last few years I've been told:
The adage goes something like, "Be kind. Everyone you know is fighting their own battle." I know that to be true, and my battle is different than anyone else's. I also almost always choose to believe mine is easier and more manageable. One of the things I've discovered is that people often try to empathize with me, and I'd say they do it poorly about 90 percent of the time. I appreciate that people want to relate, but please think about what you're saying.
I had someone recently get over the flu and say to me, "Now I know what you go through." Um please don't. I appreciate that it's probably intended to be merely a way to relate, but it's condescending. The flu sucks, but it's temporary. I'm not saying flu sufferers don't have the right to be frustrated and sick and complain. But think about the complaint and to whom it's directed.
The most common insensitive comments I get compare having Crohn's to pregnancy. I will publish the rest of this post with a warning because I'm sure it'll make some people angry (how many people will unfriend me on Facebook today?) While I've never been pregnant I have zero illusions that it's difficult and uncomfortable to grow a small human. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of it that doesn't feel great. But the condition of pregnancy is two things: temporary and voluntary. I'm also pretty sure that if pregnancy were the worst thing ever we'd have a world filled with only children.
I regularly have people compare pregnancy to Crohn's symptoms, and that comment almost always makes me want to stab someone in the face. I'm not making that comparison to say that challenges during pregnancy aren't valid, but again they're temporary and voluntary. I actually do have a few friends who ended up with lifetime health challenges because of their pregnancies, and that's different. I know one's body changes after giving birth, and I'm empathetic to that (mainly because it also changes with six abdominal surgeries and having involuntarily lost and regained the same 30 pounds a half dozen times in the last decade).
At one point in my life (not too long ago) I desperately wanted to be pregnant. I wanted it more than anything in the world. I wanted it so much that I went through tons of testing and blood draws and took fertility medication that made me a crazy person and threw my Crohn's out of wack. I had a meltdown every month for three years when I started my period. It was physically frustrating and emotionally devastating. When my husband and I decided to adopt my OB/GYN hugged me fiercely and said she was glad. She told me that it wasn't a good idea for me to carry a baby with all of my surgeries and scar tissue and Crohn's issues. She said that if I really wanted to continue with infertility treatments and I got pregnant, I'd be very high risk. She said it was doable but not the best idea. Once I let go of the idea of being pregnant my mind and my body thanked me. It was really hard to grieve not carrying a child, but I knew it was the best decision.
I can't imagine our life any differently, and our son is the center of our world. But please, if you have a friend suffering from a chronic illness, do not compare your pregnancy or frankly any other condition to that illness. It's so frustrating.
For example in the last few years I've been told:
- Steroids weren't a big deal because even though I gained weight and was bloated I was lucky compared to someone pregnant because it was a shorter amount of time.
- I would "never believe" how awful it was to have a c-section (again not undermining, but I have been cut open six times quite brutally...so I think I kind of get it).
- When we were getting our son it was suggested I should have someone "punch me in the stomach 50 times so I know what it's like to give birth." (Obviously said by the least sensitive human who's ever uttered words.) For the record I also had two abdominal surgeries and a blood clot five months before our son was born, but he's right...how could I know (and the irony is he obviously had no idea either).
- Having to pee a lot during pregnancy was compared to having to go to the bathroom a lot with Crohn's. Again while I'm sure it's quite uncomfortable when the baby is lying on your bladder, having explosive diarrhea all the time at any moment for your entire life also kind of sucks.
Everyone is fighting a battle. I have friends who love being pregnant and have done it repeatedly quite well. I have friends whose pregnancies were like war zones. I'm not saying any of those scenarios are easy. But when you're on social media constantly complaining about pregnancy or allergies or flu or another temporary (even if uncomfortable or painful) ailment, keep in mind that somebody is always fighting a harder battle. I'm now grateful that I will never be pregnant. I'm grateful that I don't have allergies and despite my immunosuppressants rarely get sick other than Crohn's. I (obviously) struggle with empathy but try my hardest to be grateful every day that I haven't been given more than I can handle.
Comments
Post a Comment