The Family you Choose

On my birthday a few weeks ago I turned 47 years young, and I'd like to think I've amassed some wisdom in my nearly 5(!!) decades on this planet. One vital thing I've learned is this: there are people you're related to, and there is your family. Sometimes they're the same people, but sometimes they aren't. And you don't have to let people who are relatives run through your boundaries. Actually you should probably fortify them even more. 

Perhaps this is a generational thing or the many years of therapy I've had, but I am always amazed when I hear someone talk about a relative treating them poorly: taking advantage, lying, being a total leech, and many more examples. And it's evidently permissible because they're "family". 

Since the pandemic I've spent a lot of time focusing on relationships and the people who are the most important in my life. I've been evaluating the amount of time I have to spend with people and ensuring I'm balancing that with people I actually WANT to spend time with. 

I don't know who needs to hear this, but family and biology are not synonymous. As a matter of fact the two people I love most in this world, my husband and son, are not biologically related to me. It wouldn't stop me from taking a bullet for either of them. 

I'd choose to be his mom in every timeline.

Conversely putting up with shitty relatives isn't necessary. We all have relatives who, quite frankly, suck. They aren't kind or considerate or seem to have any interest in real relationships. And that's another truth I've discovered: just because someone is related to you doesn't mean they don't have to be an active participant in your relationship. You don't get to show up once every few years with zero interaction in any way (including social media which is how I engage a lot of family who live far away) and be part of the family. Or at least part of mine. All relationships take effort, even family ones. Perhaps especially family ones. 

I have so many people I rely on when I really need help who aren't relatives. I also have amazing biological family, but I have strong boundaries. Because my time means something. My love is valuable. You don't get to be a jerk and get it for free. I wouldn't put up with it from a friend, and I'm not putting up with it from those who share my DNA. 

My family includes the people who show up when I need them: maybe in person or via phone or social media. They're engaged in my life, and they want to be. My family includes one of my best friends who is always game for champagne at my house. It includes my BFF who will call on a whim to say I love you. It includes friends who don't blink when we unexpectedly need to drop off our son for a bit. 

If you're dealing with difficult relatives please know it's okay to say no and set boundaries. Don't feel guilty about it. Because life is short, and your love and time are valuable. I am so grateful to live a life surrounded by the family I've chosen. I hope you do too.