There I Am.

I've spent more than 30 years beating myself up for how my body looks. Before I go any further let me be clear: this isn't a post with hopes that people will tell me I look good. Because honestly? It won't matter. I don't see myself the way I actually look. And what others think of me doesn't permeate these deep seeded body image issues.

I've written about my body image issues before. Logically I know I'm not fat. It's not even that I think I'm "fat" per se; it's that my body doesn't look the way I want it to. It doesn't matter whether I'm at my skinniest or heaviest. I will find something to criticize. 

I know how to dress myself well, so I can hide the things I don't particularly like about myself. After my last abdominal surgery (lucky #7) where my surgeon told me he "tried to make my stomach look normal but could only do so much", I have been very paranoid about one side of my stomach that (in my mind) sticks out much more obviously than the other side. I've changed the way I dress and have gotten rid of a lot of clothes that make me feel uncomfortable.

Then this year I've gained weight for the first time in a while. I work out 5-6 days a week, but I still found the pounds ticking up (thanks delicious food and wine). I refuse to keep clothes I don't fit into or feel good in, so I donated a lot of dresses and skirts that were my smallest size. I went up a size in jeans and dresses, and I just owned it. I know it's important to dress the size I am, not the size I aspire to be. 

When we had our family pictures taken in early October I was feeling very paranoid about how I looked and trying to power through. Our photographer sent me a preview shot, and I couldn't believe the way I looked. I looked strong and healthy, and I was so grateful for her vision. She saw me the way I actually look, and I was able to see myself the same way. There I was.

Photo from our family shoot

After a year of gaining weight and struggling with my body image I naturally ended up in the hospital with my first bowel obstruction in almost three years. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking that I'd lose weight after the hospitalization. It's distrubing to be thinking that, but a big part of me thinks if I have to have Crohn's shouldn't losing weight be the benefit?

One of my best friends turned 50 this year, and she told me she's trying to express gratitude for her body every day. I love that, and I've been trying my hardest to copy her. No body is perfect. If I'm looking I can and will always find something about my body I don't like. But this is the body that has gotten me through dozens of hospitalizations, Crohn's flares and health issues. This is the body that got me through sleepless nights with my newborn baby and lets me keep up with his energy now. This is the body that has run 4 marathons, 22 half marathons, and more 10k and 5k races than I can count. It'll never be perfect, but in this season of gratitude I will force myself focus on being grateful for what my body has been through. 

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