Confessions of a Former(?) Runner

I started running in 2006 at the age of 27. I've always been active and enjoyed working out, but running became an obsession. With a body ravaged by Crohn's Disease, running is where I feel strong. Running is where I feel normal. 

I ran my last half marathon seven years ago, in 2016. In ten years I ran 4 marathons, 22 half marathons, a half dozen 10-milers, a 15k and more 5k and 10k races than I can remember. I ran all over the country: New York City, Washington, DC, Pensacola, FL, Freeport, ME, Virginia Beach, Knoxville, TN, Indianapolis and more. Running wasn't just my hobby. It became part of my identity. It also came to dictate my family's travel schedule.

In DC for the Cherry Blossom 10-miler in 2013

Knoxville Half Marathon 2011

NYC marathon 2015

Pensacola Double Bridge Run 2012

With Sean Astin after the Double Run in Indianapolis 2011

Virginia Beach Half in 2007 with my dad (who did not run) and sister

After my last 13.1, in the fall of 2016, I developed a severe abscess that landed me in the emergency room and in surgery. Nine months later, as I had the drain removed, I tore my meniscus (and had another surgery). In January of 2018 I started the craziest time in my career and also my craziest time with Crohn's. I had five small bowel obstructions and was hospitalized repeatedly over the next 4 years. The abscess also came back in 2021 and 2022. I would still run the occasion 5k or 10k, but my half marathon days were on hold.

I changed medications last fall and slowly began ramping up mileage this year. I began running more frequently, and it was going well. I decided to push myself and registered to run the Capital City Half Marathon later this month. As my long runs increased in July and August my abscess symptoms started returning. So I'd dial it back a few days, let my body heal and try again. No dice.

Even though it's been the better part of a decade since I ran across a finish line after 13.1 miles, I've always assumed I'd be back to my favorite distance at some point. It never occurred to me that I might be done with the half marathon.

Last week, as I struggled through a short run, I realized it's not going to happen this month. I'm changing my registration to the 5k, and as dramatic as it sounds, I'm devastated. I may never again occupy this magical space I've discovered while running: this space of strength and normality and pushing myself to the limits.

I feel a lot of things that don't make sense. I feel old. I feel weak. I feel frustrated. But I also know that pushing myself until I'm in the ER with another abscess is worse than not running another half marathon. 

I work really, really hard to be strong because I know I'll recover more quickly during my next Crohn's episode (which WILL happen). I joined a gym only six weeks after shoulder surgery. I work out 6 days a week. I work out on vacation. I do planks for fun in my living room. But running has been my holy grail. Running another half is the goal I've been pushing toward for the last seven years. I'm not mentally prepared to adjust and accept that I've got to stick to short distances (if I run at all).

First 5k post-shoulder surgery in July 2023

Let me say that I am VERY grateful for the things my body does let me do. There are people suffering from debilitating physical and mental challenges, and I write all of this appreciating what I AM able to do. I've always had a tough time accepting my own limitations, and this time is no different. 

There will come a day when I'm not able to run at all. Today is not that day. But what is running this town without...running? It is a very real possibilty that I may never run another half marathon. That thought makes me feel sad, but I'm also grateul for the thousands of miles this imperfect body has led me through over the last 17 years. I am better because of them. 

My main