The Masks We Wear

My social media shows the amazing summer I've been having. I've gotten lots of quality time with my son and husband. We're at the pool nearly every day per our summer norm. I've been traveling a lot. My business is booming, and I love the work I'm doing for my clients. 

On one of the two trips to Oregon this summer

What most people don't know is how often I'm faking it. Don't get me wrong: I am enjoying my summer. But I'm wearing a mask. Behind that mask I'm hiding that my Crohn's Disease is at its worst since I got sick 24 years ago. There have certainly been times where my disease has been more acute, but this is a very sustained period of feeling quite awful quite frequently. It's becoming tough to maintain my usually positive outlook.

I find that I'm extremely impatient (and even angry) with other people. I know everyone has struggles they're managing, and it's not a competition. But where I generally want to be a supportive and loving person, sometimes I'm really angry. (Thank goodness for therapy). Last week a friend was complaining that they don't have time to work out, my first reaction was to tell her to suck it up. I work out 4-5 days a week, but my workouts are much less intense than I'd like because it's what my body can handle. When someone complains to me my first thought is that they have a healthy body and they're choosing not to use it. I don't have the same choice.

Parenting is super hard. But when I hear complaints my internal monologue kicks in. Yes, it's very hard. Try doing it with a draining abscess, constant pain and while anemic and extremely tired. Then talk to me about how hard parenting is.

My husband sleeps in almost every day, and generally that's our dynamic: he stays up late and I get up early. Last week we were adjusting from our vacation time difference, and all week I still got up with our dog and our child while he slept in. Then he'd get up and say, "Man I can't seem to get up this week." My resentment continued to build. I don't have the luxury of sleeping in. The dog is barking. Our son is up. I feel like garbage but I get up. I talked to him about it and it's better but I'm still irritated.

See? The mask is hiding all these unkind thoughts, and this isn't the person I am or want to be. The number of times I start crying when I'm alone have increased from never to...well more than never. I have never considered myself a sick person. I've never let this disease slow me down. And now I feel slow and angry and resentful. I try to keep it hidden behind my mask. 

I had an abscess drained for the third time in May. Since then I've had a constantly draining abscess, and it won't heal. At all. I'm on my 4th or 5th cycle of antibiotics. I have another surgery (my third) scheduled in October. And no, apparently, there is not a punch card (I asked). This is by far my most painful abscess. I'm in pain a lot. If I had to ballpark it I'd say probably 80 percent of the time. The pain radiates down my leg and makes it hard to sit. Or walk. Or function. But I don't have the luxury of not functioning. So I push and I push and I push some more. And then I crash at 8 pm only to wake up at 5 the next morning and keep pushing.

I couldn't get warm after my last surgery. 
This is what my husband discovered when he came back.

I think I've been hiding it well, but when my brother visited a few weeks ago he asked my husband about my limping. I had no idea anyone could see that I sometimes limp when I'm in a lot of pain. Honestly I don't even know that I always realize I'm doing it. Sometimes my mask slips without my permission.

I know how fortunate I am. I remind myself daily that I have a great supportive husband. I have health insurance. I have a flexible job that (in theory) allows me to take time when I need to. I'm in therapy working through my frustration because I know it's about me, not about anyone else. But some days it feels like too much. And it's been more days the last few months. I don't want my son to think back to his childhood and think his mom was sick a lot. So I mask up and push through. 

Early morning exploring with my favorite little dude in Boise