Am I Only Human After All?
It's really hard for me to face not being well. For the last twenty one years I've refused to let Crohn's define me even though I realize in times of extreme issues it does tend to drive the narrative for a bit until I get back to good. I've had four bowel obstructions, and I've bounced back quickly after three of those. In 2012 I ran the Capital City River Run 5k two weeks after my obstruction and placed in my age group. In 2014 I broke my PR in the 10k three months after a month-long hospital stay that included two surgeries. In 2017 I was in New Orleans just a few weeks after a bowel obstruction. I wasn't running much but I felt okay.
It's been nearly three weeks since I was released from the hospital, and for the first time I'm having a really tough time getting my groove back. I'm exhausted. By the time 8 pm arrives I'm dead tired. I have low phosphorus and electrolyte levels which are contributing to the fatigue. And I still haven't gotten a handle on my active Crohn's symptoms which are keeping those levels low. I'm grateful for Gatorade.
The fatigue is really my overarching symptom, and it's tough to keep it at bay. I have been trying to slowly get back into exercising a bit. My energy level is decent for much of the day, but the sun goes down and I crash. It's a trifecta of having a busy job, a busy small human and a busy mindset that makes it all tough to manage.
Yet I know it could be much worse. And I know there are people dealing with unimaginable pain and sadness, and I am grateful mine is manageable. But it has me wondering: am I only human after all? I have been able to bounce back from all the blows of the last two decades pretty easily. Why is this time different?
Part of it may be attitude. I'm both physically and emotionally drained, and I know that keeping my spirits up is a huge part of healing. I've been trying to clear my calendar and give myself proper time to heal even though it's hard. I was supposed to go to Texas this week to run my portion of a Ragnar trail relay as part of my BFF's birthday celebration. After the hospital stay I decided I'd just go and not run. Last weekend I had to face the fact that I couldn't camp for several days and power through this trip. I'm too exhausted, and I wouldn't be a fun person to have on the trip anyway.
Maybe I'm just getting old? Maybe twenty plus years of Crohn's is finally just getting to me? Or maybe I need to seriously reprioritize and figure out how to best manage this disease? In more than two decades I've seen eight different GI specialists (I moved a lot in my 20s), three surgeons and three nutritionists. I can say without question that none of those people actually prepared me to live the rest of my life without a disease. I've been given tons of advice on foods to avoid, yet my most valid determinations have come from eating the wrong thing and learning my lesson.
I've done elimination diets and taken out dairy, gluten, wheat, and more. None of those things worked. I'm fully convinced that nutritionist is a fake profession, and they have no idea what they're doing. I told my last one, who was at the University of Michigan and in theory good at this, that I have no colon, run marathons and have a hard time maintaining nutritional balance. She told me to give up gluten and was basically useless.
Here I am at the age of 41 having winged it for more than half of my life, but this last obstruction really scared me. The pain and nausea were the worst I've ever had, and I don't want to do this again. So I'm taking a step back. I'm staying on a low fiber diet until further notice. I'm eating less. I'm starting to exercise again although slowly and within reason. I'm hoping to start adding running in again a little this weekend. Given that nobody has been able to help me formulate a plan I'll formulate my own. And I'll admit that I am only human. But I want to be healthy for my family both physically and mentally. That means giving up salads for a while and being kind to myself, two things that are very difficult.
It's been nearly three weeks since I was released from the hospital, and for the first time I'm having a really tough time getting my groove back. I'm exhausted. By the time 8 pm arrives I'm dead tired. I have low phosphorus and electrolyte levels which are contributing to the fatigue. And I still haven't gotten a handle on my active Crohn's symptoms which are keeping those levels low. I'm grateful for Gatorade.
The fatigue is really my overarching symptom, and it's tough to keep it at bay. I have been trying to slowly get back into exercising a bit. My energy level is decent for much of the day, but the sun goes down and I crash. It's a trifecta of having a busy job, a busy small human and a busy mindset that makes it all tough to manage.
Yet I know it could be much worse. And I know there are people dealing with unimaginable pain and sadness, and I am grateful mine is manageable. But it has me wondering: am I only human after all? I have been able to bounce back from all the blows of the last two decades pretty easily. Why is this time different?
Part of it may be attitude. I'm both physically and emotionally drained, and I know that keeping my spirits up is a huge part of healing. I've been trying to clear my calendar and give myself proper time to heal even though it's hard. I was supposed to go to Texas this week to run my portion of a Ragnar trail relay as part of my BFF's birthday celebration. After the hospital stay I decided I'd just go and not run. Last weekend I had to face the fact that I couldn't camp for several days and power through this trip. I'm too exhausted, and I wouldn't be a fun person to have on the trip anyway.
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| Right now my favorite activities are sleep and snuggles. |
I've done elimination diets and taken out dairy, gluten, wheat, and more. None of those things worked. I'm fully convinced that nutritionist is a fake profession, and they have no idea what they're doing. I told my last one, who was at the University of Michigan and in theory good at this, that I have no colon, run marathons and have a hard time maintaining nutritional balance. She told me to give up gluten and was basically useless.
Here I am at the age of 41 having winged it for more than half of my life, but this last obstruction really scared me. The pain and nausea were the worst I've ever had, and I don't want to do this again. So I'm taking a step back. I'm staying on a low fiber diet until further notice. I'm eating less. I'm starting to exercise again although slowly and within reason. I'm hoping to start adding running in again a little this weekend. Given that nobody has been able to help me formulate a plan I'll formulate my own. And I'll admit that I am only human. But I want to be healthy for my family both physically and mentally. That means giving up salads for a while and being kind to myself, two things that are very difficult.
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