How to be One of the Boys
Earlier this week I read Amber Tamblyn's piece in the New York Times detailing her struggle in dealing with sexual harassment. It's brilliantly written and spoke to me. While I don't think of myself as a victim it's because dealing with harassment has become so commonplace that I sometimes don't even always notice it. And that is perhaps the saddest point of all.
Tamblyn's op-ed spoke to me. For the last few days I've been thinking of the myriad times in my career in which I've had to deal with inappropriate touching, comments, and uncomfortable situations. It's happened over and over again. I wish I had a manual for how to deal with it. I wish I could tell you I fought back with words every time. Neither of those things are true.
I waited tables and college and became friends with one of the male servers. Once he smacked me on the butt in the kitchen in full view of everyone else. I said, "Hey stop. Isn't that sexual harassment?" He laughed and said not if I liked it. I said I didn't, but everyone laughed. There were no consequences.
In law school I worked at a law firm. I reported to two junior attorneys, but the managing partner loved me and would sometimes pull me aside to talk. On a regular basis as I was talking to him he would reach out and tuck my hair behind my ear. It still gives me a shudder to think of how intimate that move was. And it was done in the hallway in plain view. Should I have said something? Of course. But I was 23 years old and needed the job. Besides he hadn't really done anything, right? This is a question I would ask myself over and over and over again.
Early in my career I worked for a guy who said, "When men look at something there are three options: eat it, f*ck it, or kill it." I had a man in a position of authority who would discreetly pat me on the hip. When I reported it to someone (another man) who I trusted, I was told nobody would ever believe me.
At that moment, at the age of 25, I decided I'd deal with it differently. I'd face it with humor and laugh it off. I decided I would become one of the boys. Look - I'd be a hypocrite if I told you I didn't contribute to locker room cultures throughout the next 15 years. If I was one of the guys and tossed in the inappropriate humor and jokes it wouldn't be targeted at me. If I let it roll off my back nobody would see when things bothered me. I'm sure I offended others, and for that I'm sorry. I took the line of what was appropriate and sprinted past it all in an effort to not be part of the "problem". I didn't want to be one of these women who complain and are "too serious" and "can't take a joke".
Somewhere along the line, much more recently than I'd like to admit, I have gone in the other direction. I've hit the brakes long before the line of inappropriate, and I find myself cringing and more importantly speaking up when something is inappropriate. I've had young female friends come to me recently for advice in dealing with an inappropriate boss and asking whether to apply for a job working for someone about whom they had reservations. I had a city manager tell me last winter that I was doing a great job mentoring young female managers, and they were taking in everything I said and did. It was one of the best professional compliments I've ever received, and it's a responsibility I take seriously.
I'm nearly 40 years old, and I wish I had all the answers or the perfect response to each inappropriate quip. I told a young friend a few weeks ago that it's not something that will stop happening. Last week I was at a professional event. I had on a new dress that made me feel amazing. It wasn't revealing or inappropriate, but it was flattering. I felt good. Then I had a man shake my hand and kiss me on the cheek (something I still don't appreciate unless I know you well). Then he leaned in and whispered "God you look good. You know it too." It's not the first time this man has made inappropriate comments to me. And I'll sheepishly admit I didn't say anything because I honestly didn't know what to say. These kinds of comments throw me off my game and make me self-conscious and uncomfortable. I probably should have, as my husband suggested, told him to f*ck off. I regret that I didn't because he thinks it's okay. And I'm sure I'm not the only woman he says things like this to. Even a week later I still don't know the right response other than telling him to f*ck off. But like I told my husband I don't get to do that in a professional world where this man is someone I regularly see professionally.
This is certainly not to say this is every man or even close to it. I hope it's a small minority, but that doesn't make the incidents less real. I have been lucky to work with so many men who respect women. They can have a woman disagree with them without it threatening their very sense of manhood. I've also surrounded myself both personally and professionally with strong women who are a resource for me. Every single one of them has an example of one of these things happening to them. It's not unique to me. And while there's no manual, we can help support one another and surround ourselves with both amazing men and women.
I've decided I no longer want to be one of the boys. I can hang for sure, and if I'm tailgating for a football game or out with friends I absolutely can throw out the most inappropriate comment. But I no longer have patience for it in the work place. Perhaps this makes me a hypocrite because I did for so long, but people are allowed to change. I've been accused of seeing the world only in black and white, and the people who see me this way have never understood me. I am well aware that the world is almost entirely grey (hence why I didn't punch a guy in the mouth last week), and it will continue to be. My grey, however, is broken up by the beautiful sunshine of the awesome women and men with whom I've surrounded myself. And that is how we will make a difference.
Tamblyn's op-ed spoke to me. For the last few days I've been thinking of the myriad times in my career in which I've had to deal with inappropriate touching, comments, and uncomfortable situations. It's happened over and over again. I wish I had a manual for how to deal with it. I wish I could tell you I fought back with words every time. Neither of those things are true.
I waited tables and college and became friends with one of the male servers. Once he smacked me on the butt in the kitchen in full view of everyone else. I said, "Hey stop. Isn't that sexual harassment?" He laughed and said not if I liked it. I said I didn't, but everyone laughed. There were no consequences.
In law school I worked at a law firm. I reported to two junior attorneys, but the managing partner loved me and would sometimes pull me aside to talk. On a regular basis as I was talking to him he would reach out and tuck my hair behind my ear. It still gives me a shudder to think of how intimate that move was. And it was done in the hallway in plain view. Should I have said something? Of course. But I was 23 years old and needed the job. Besides he hadn't really done anything, right? This is a question I would ask myself over and over and over again.
Early in my career I worked for a guy who said, "When men look at something there are three options: eat it, f*ck it, or kill it." I had a man in a position of authority who would discreetly pat me on the hip. When I reported it to someone (another man) who I trusted, I was told nobody would ever believe me.
At that moment, at the age of 25, I decided I'd deal with it differently. I'd face it with humor and laugh it off. I decided I would become one of the boys. Look - I'd be a hypocrite if I told you I didn't contribute to locker room cultures throughout the next 15 years. If I was one of the guys and tossed in the inappropriate humor and jokes it wouldn't be targeted at me. If I let it roll off my back nobody would see when things bothered me. I'm sure I offended others, and for that I'm sorry. I took the line of what was appropriate and sprinted past it all in an effort to not be part of the "problem". I didn't want to be one of these women who complain and are "too serious" and "can't take a joke".
Somewhere along the line, much more recently than I'd like to admit, I have gone in the other direction. I've hit the brakes long before the line of inappropriate, and I find myself cringing and more importantly speaking up when something is inappropriate. I've had young female friends come to me recently for advice in dealing with an inappropriate boss and asking whether to apply for a job working for someone about whom they had reservations. I had a city manager tell me last winter that I was doing a great job mentoring young female managers, and they were taking in everything I said and did. It was one of the best professional compliments I've ever received, and it's a responsibility I take seriously.
I'm nearly 40 years old, and I wish I had all the answers or the perfect response to each inappropriate quip. I told a young friend a few weeks ago that it's not something that will stop happening. Last week I was at a professional event. I had on a new dress that made me feel amazing. It wasn't revealing or inappropriate, but it was flattering. I felt good. Then I had a man shake my hand and kiss me on the cheek (something I still don't appreciate unless I know you well). Then he leaned in and whispered "God you look good. You know it too." It's not the first time this man has made inappropriate comments to me. And I'll sheepishly admit I didn't say anything because I honestly didn't know what to say. These kinds of comments throw me off my game and make me self-conscious and uncomfortable. I probably should have, as my husband suggested, told him to f*ck off. I regret that I didn't because he thinks it's okay. And I'm sure I'm not the only woman he says things like this to. Even a week later I still don't know the right response other than telling him to f*ck off. But like I told my husband I don't get to do that in a professional world where this man is someone I regularly see professionally.
This is certainly not to say this is every man or even close to it. I hope it's a small minority, but that doesn't make the incidents less real. I have been lucky to work with so many men who respect women. They can have a woman disagree with them without it threatening their very sense of manhood. I've also surrounded myself both personally and professionally with strong women who are a resource for me. Every single one of them has an example of one of these things happening to them. It's not unique to me. And while there's no manual, we can help support one another and surround ourselves with both amazing men and women.
I've decided I no longer want to be one of the boys. I can hang for sure, and if I'm tailgating for a football game or out with friends I absolutely can throw out the most inappropriate comment. But I no longer have patience for it in the work place. Perhaps this makes me a hypocrite because I did for so long, but people are allowed to change. I've been accused of seeing the world only in black and white, and the people who see me this way have never understood me. I am well aware that the world is almost entirely grey (hence why I didn't punch a guy in the mouth last week), and it will continue to be. My grey, however, is broken up by the beautiful sunshine of the awesome women and men with whom I've surrounded myself. And that is how we will make a difference.
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