Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Perspective Damn It!

I am constantly searching for lasting perspective. Some major, life changing event will happen, and I will think this is it! This is the event that will help me gain major life perspective. I'll slow down. I'll take life in. I'll be kind to myself. And then there's the competing side of that: I can slow down when I'm old. Life is too short. There's too much to do/see/experience that I don't want to miss any of it! Say yes to every single social opportunity!

When I lost my dad a little more than a year and a half ago I thought the deep perspective I'd gained would be permanent. Six months later I was blogging about my complete exhaustion. I think back now to how I felt last March when I wrote that blog, and I had so much energy compared to now. When will I listen to my body? I think we all know the answer is never. The question then becomes how will I balance a busy life and a chronic illness without sacrificing the things I don't want to miss?

The last few weeks have been crazy. My husband has taken several work trips. We went to Richmond, Virginia a few weeks ago and returned late on Monday evening. On Tuesday I was in Ann Arbor (an hour away). On Wednesday I fought metro Detroit traffic on both ends of the day, spending four hours in the car to go to meetings. On Thursday evening we threw a fundraiser for our friend at our house. By 8 am Friday morning we were in the car driving north three hours to Traverse City for my work. We spent the weekend and upon returning on Sunday my husband drove almost directly to the airport to leave again. Yes we've scheduled all these things, and at the time they get added to the calendar it seems manageable. But then that time gets here and it's brutal. This week we have something every evening but one, and I have no idea when we will do small things like yard work or have the plumber out (something we've needed to do for weeks). 

I'm not complaining. Honestly I don't know any other pace. But this weekend I've warned my husband to plan nothing. NOTHING. If you want to see us too bad. We are making zero plans, and I will not budge. I am unavailable not because we have plans but because I refuse to have plans. It's 48 hours with nothing on the calendar. Then next week it starts again: a wedding, an overnight getaway, college friends in town, a trip to Chicago. And then there's August. Don't get me started on August. And I don't want to miss a second of it; not an instant because we have a lot of fun things planned. But that does mean that sometimes I'm going to bed at 9 pm (and by sometimes I mean pretty much every night that we're home with no plans). 

Last week I was sitting in stopped traffic on the way to Detroit having left my house at 6:30 am. I was feeling really overwhelmed and started crying in the car. I was desperately seeking that perspective that I sometimes feel can be elusive. Then I started thinking of my friend John who we lost last month so abruptly. Life is just flying by and I'm pissed sitting in traffic, and then it's just gone. It's so fleeting. I think about him frequently, and I had this moment where I realized in the scheme of life it's just traffic. I've created this busy, stressful environment, and it's mine to manage. And the only person who will notice my lack of perfection is me. I felt John's presence as surely as he was sitting beside me saying, "Relax little buddy." 

Running has been a stress reliever for me for years, and my abbreviated running schedule over the last eight months has presented quite the challenge to my psyche. I had iron infusions last week and this week, and next week we switch my medication again because the latest didn't cut it. I'm hoping in the next month or so to be back to running, and to encourage myself have registered for two races in July. 

I'll be running again soon! But first iron.
I will never be a calm or relaxed person. My schedule will never be clear, and I will always want to be in the middle of all the excitement. But every now and then I need a little smack in the head to be reminded of the perspective. Life is supposed to be perfect. It's messy and fluid and I, more than perhaps anyone I know, need that reminder. Today, right this very minute I feel calm and have so much perspective. Tomorrow is a different day, but I'll hearken back to this moment. These words. I will still feel stressed, but I'll embrace it. I'll remind myself to relax little buddy.



Trying to spend more time at the pool this summer with my little dude.

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