We got the call a few weeks before he was born, and we were cautious. Last year we were linked with a birth mom who changed her mind. I refused to let myself believe that he was actually coming. People we told would ask me if I was excited. If I'm being honest I really wasn't. My overriding emotion was fear. I was terrified.
On the day he was born I felt my heart beating erratically as we drove to the hospital. All of the "what ifs" were taking over. I was worried that our birth mom would change her mind. I was worried that the baby wouldn't be healthy. I was worried about 1,000 things. That all changed when the nurse walked into our room with a 2-minute old baby boy. I fell in love instantly, and our life changed forever.
|Anxious in the hospital.|
|Taking the ErgoBaby for a spin on a warm December day.|
In the first month of Will's life I ran maybe twice. The sleep deprivation is legit. I'm not the kind of person who can sleep while the baby is sleeping, and I use that time to hone my Type A tendencies by organizing, cleaning, and making sure everything is perfect. You know...things that are very important when one has a child. We had friends over when the baby was a few weeks old, and I felt it very critical to have appetizers ready. My parents showed up on New Years Day, and I had prepared an entire turkey dinner. It is not easy to be Super Mom, and I may kill myself trying.
After a few weeks of trying to be perfect I realized that wasn't sustainable. I also realized that in order to be a good mom, I had to find time to recharge. The sleeplessness is so pervasive I found myself being temperamental and grouchy...not with the baby but my dogs and husband bear the brunt of it. I found that it was important to take the dogs for a walk when my husband gets home. It's important to find time to go for a run or meet my girlfriends for lunch. Even with my son being only eight weeks old I quickly it's important for me to hang onto me. It's important to retain the "me" in Mommy.
|Small fry's first professional photos|
I'm registered for a half marathon in six weeks and a 25k in May. I ran 4.5 miles last weekend, and I struggled to get through it. Continuing to run while parenting a newborn is hard. Forcing myself to get up at 3 am to feed the baby and again at 5:30 to get ready for work is hard. But anything worth doing is hard. Remember: the hard is what makes it great.
|Post workout snuggles.|
We are at the very beginning of this crazy journey that is parenthood. I've had a few moments of total meltdown, but they are forgotten in the moments of pure joy. Yesterday the baby laughed for the first time, and my husband and I laughed along with him with tears in our eyes. He was totally forgiven for the fussy hour that preceded that laughter. There are times where I'm rushing to get everything done, or I'm eating standing at the kitchen counter in a rush. I know this is just the beginning many rushed/crazy/insanely wonderful moments. I no longer come first, and I'm thrilled about that. I do know, however, that I'll be a better mom if I have moments to regroup. I'm lucky to have a great partner to help navigate the insanity.
|It's 3 am. Do you know where your baby is?|