A Cross to Bear

I'm not a religious person, but I often find myself thinking of a story I read years ago entitled "Is Your Cross too Heavy to Bear?" In case you haven't read it:*

The young man was at the end of his rope. Seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. “Lord, I can’t go on,” he said. “I have too heavy a cross to bear.” The Lord replied, “My son, if you can’t bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish.” The man was filled with relief and said,  “Thank you Lord” and he did as he was told.

Upon entering the other room, he saw many crosses; some so Large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall. “I’d like that one, Lord,” he whispered. The Lord replied, “My son that is the cross you just brought in.” When life’s problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.

I'm often asked how I manage my Crohn's. A few weeks ago I was on a work call, and someone mentioned he'd discovered my blog. He indicated that he also had Crohn's but "his was an inconvenience." He said he didn't suffer like I do. He told me the blog made him cry, and he didn't know how I did it. I was very flattered. I was slightly embarrassed. And I answered like I always do: I manage it by continuing to push through. There's really no other option. I have also always been thankful that this is all I have to deal with. There are so many others dealing with so much more, and my burden is relatively easy.

It's been a rough Crohn's year, but I've been relatively cheerful during COVID. I'm fully aware of how lucky I am during a time when people have lost loved ones, jobs and are suffering long-term effects of a terrible virus. Not being able to go out to dinner, see loved ones or travel are minimal impacts. My COVID cross to bear is not heavy.

In January I started having renewed Crohn's symptoms, so my doctor ordered a MRI. When you have a chronic illness, diagnostic tests are a double-edge sword. I obviously don't want something to be wrong, but if there's nothing wrong there's nothing to fix. Unfortunately the MRI revealed a fistula. I had an ER visit and surgery for a fistula and abscess in 2016, and I dramatically felt devastated when I got the diagnosis. 

Despite three hospitalizations this year I've still maintained a relatively good attitude (although December's hospital visit was tough.) Bowel obstructions are a known quantity: I know how my body will respond and what the options are if I don't respond to treatment. Generally fistulas require surgery, and I have been pretty low since the diagnosis. My doctor decided to try really strong medication to attack it first, so I'm on a cocktail of drugs. I am exhausted, and agitated (side effects of meds). I logically know my cross is still smaller than so many others, but logic isn't helping right now.

I've got another five days of medication, and hopefully that does the trick. If not I'm looking at a surgery, and I'm not mentally prepared for that. What I am trying to do is be kind to my mental state right now. It's okay to be frustrated by what I'm dealing with even if it could be worse. It's okay to take a few days and feel down. I'm sure I'll be back to running and annoying positivity soon enough, but this week I have been pretty frustrated.

My biggest mental challenge now is acknowledging that as I get older Crohn's may get tougher. There aren't quick fixes, and I may continue to generally feel unwell. For someone with such high energy and expectations this is a tough pill to swallow. 

Next week is a new week. Fingers crossed that I'll be back to my relatively cheerful self and the medication will have worked its magic. Otherwise I'm looking at surgery, but hey that's at least a good nap right? See...my perspective is changing already.

*I don't know to whom I should attribute this story. I see it in multiple places online without being attributed to an author, so apologies to the author.