The Lost Art of Gathering

I really enjoy the show House Hunters even though there are lots of reasons to not enjoy it. (Ex: I raise butterflies for a living but our budget is $1.5 million!) One thing that I notice on almost every show is the buyers say "This space will be great for entertaining." It begs the question of how many people actually entertain. I love to host. LOVE it. I love to have people over and cook. I even have friends and family where I've hosted at their house. However I know most people don't host. The concept of buying a house with great entertaining space is probably lost on a lot of people, and that's okay. If everyone loved hosting I'd lose my role. However there are responsibilities on both the part of the hosts and the guests. I'm flummoxed by the lack of expectations and rudeness of both hosts and guests. Let's discuss.

So you're the host.

Properly hosting takes a lot of work. And let's be real - it's expensive. Unless you've expressly said your gathering is a potluck or have asked folks to contribute specific dishes, it's your responsibility to provide all the things: food, beverages (alcoholic if you drink them and non-alcoholic always) and ambiance. When we host people we greet them, take coats (if it's winter which it is like 6 months of the year here) and offer a beverage immediately. There are snacks available from the start. Nobody likes a gathering where they don't have a drink in their hand and food in their face.

Years ago my husband and I would visit friends and never be offered food. Ever. I remember we were there on a Friday evening at dinner time and starving. I'm like c'mon...can we at least order a pizza? Not having food is a hosting disaster.

I think most problems can be solved with champagne and guacamole. 

I tend to go all out, whether I'm hosting 2 people or 20. For example: 

A spring gathering for five people

A small summer dinner

We host a large annual holiday gathering

Happy hour for a few

A few people over for early NYE

As illustrated above when I talk about hosting I mean any type of gathering, whether it's a few people in your kitchen, a baby shower, a large party or a wedding. My husband and I have attended 40 weddings together in our almost 20 year relationship. (I wrote a blog a few years ago detailing what I think makes/breaks a wedding based on my significant experiences. Having re-read and edited it for this blog I think it's spot on.) 

Even if it's your wedding day, you're still a host. Do you think this day is about sharing your love? I have a news flash: most of your guests only care about that when things are going smoothly. But if you are a bad host, people will remember how much your wedding sucked. Trust me. We attended a wedding a decade ago or so that occurred in the late afternoon. Food wasn't served until almost 9 pm. It was lovely to celebrate the couple until I was starving and no longer cared. That is the only thing I can remember about that wedding. You're hosting. Look alive people. 

Conversely when we were married about six months we attended a wedding in Las Vegas. We stayed in a cheap hotel on the strip because we were young and poor. The bride left gift baskets at the hotel of every guest including our crappy hotel. In the basket was a sizeable amount of cash because it was an expensive ride to the venue. THAT is how you host. Otherwise guests would've remembered dropping $100 on a ride not the beautiful wedding. It was a super fun time, and I remember it fondly.

The guests are your focus. Always, even at a wedding. Actually especially at a wedding. If you don't want to host you should elope. In any gathering glasses should always be full, food should always be plentiful, and the attendees should be curated to have a good group of people. It all matters, and people will remember your gathering as a fun time not a disaster.

So you're the guest. 

Make sure you RSVP and mean it. Your host is planning their grocery list or catering menu around the people who've said they're coming. A few years ago we had a few couples over for Cinco de Mayo. One couple canceled about five minutes before gathering time for no given reason. I'd prepared food and drinks for more people, and it felt like a total brush off. If you don't want to come, RSVP no. But don't be the jerk who cancels last minute without a real excuse (examples: a sitter canceling or someone being sick). 

One of the most important rules is this: you never, ever show up empty handed. Ever. I don't care if you're attending a backyard barbecue, a baby shower or a wedding. If something is being hosted by someone you bring a hostess gift. Period. It doesn't have to be a big thing. It can be a bottle of wine, some flowers, anything. 

But, for the love of all that is holy, never, EVER, bring something and then take the leftovers home. I had someone bring a really nice bottle of bourbon to a party once and then take what was left home. Um no. Bring a cheaper bottle that you're fine leaving. It's very poor taste to bring and then rescind a hostess gift. Ouch.

Read the room and know when to leave. If the crowd thins and you're still having a good time, read your hosts. Are they yawning? Do they look exhausted? Are they already cleaning up? It's important to know when to leave. We had a friend come to dinner once on a Sunday and would. not. leave. Around 9 pm our son was ready for bed, so he and I went to bed while a guest was still present. That is 100% not good hosting, but I had a child who needed to go to sleep. Social cues are important. 

Come, bring a gift, mingle and have a blast. And for extra credit write the host a thank you note after the fact. Your host will be delighted by it 100% of the time. 

Hosting is one of the greatest joys of my life. I love having people over, cooking, building a beautiful setting and opening many bottles of champagne. I have amazing friends who are excellent guests, and it thrills me to no end to host them as often as possible. In a digital age we've lost the art of gathering, and I'm working my hardest to keep it going. Join me!