Wake Up Call

I was quietly filling a bag with clothes at 1 a.m. hoping not to wake up my husband. The pain wasn't too bad at that point, but I knew I was on borrowed time. Despite my attempts at being quiet my husband walked in and asked what I was doing. I told him I was packing a bag for the hospital, and he sighed knowing that meant I had another obstruction. I told him I wasn't ready to go yet and encouraged him to go back to bed. I went downstairs and got everything I needed and then hastily wrote a thank you note to friends who we'd visited just hours before. I kissed my husband and son goodbye and drove two miles to the hospital.

Visiting friends hours before heading to the hospital

It was early Sunday morning, but the emergency room waiting room was empty. I did a COVID check-in, had my belongings scanned by security and walked to the desk. Before I could get there I grabbed a sickness bag and immediately began throwing up. The nurse asked me to take my time, and after ten minutes or so of being violently sick they took me right back to a room.

I've got the drill down: pain and nausea meds, CT scan, confirmed obstruction, NG tube into the nose to the stomach. This obstruction was the most painful I've ever had requiring three injections of pain meds in a matter of hours. Inserting the NG tube barely even registers now, and I was admitted after only a few hours in the emergency room.

NG tube, pain meds, repeat.

This was my third obstruction in less than a year, and that fact alone is terrifying. While this was my sixth obstruction overall, it was the most painful. I also couldn't think of an origin. Usually when I have an obstruction I've eaten something I can point back to as the cause. It's been a different cause every time, but it's often raw vegetable related. This time I hadn't eaten anything I could point to. I was completely at a loss for why this happened, and that scared me.

Thankfully as with most of my obstructions the NG tube relieved the pressure, and the obstruction cleared without surgery. By Monday evening (about 36 hours after being admitted to the hospital) the NG tube was removed, but they kept me for two more nights for observation. I was both upset and relieved to have the extra time in the hospital. The GI team decided to put me on steroids because I've been obstructed so often. But the cause remains illusive, and that has been a wake up call for me.

The only "vacation" I've taken this summer.

After each obstruction I tend to become complacent again. While I generally steer clear of whatever I think actually caused the obstruction,I start missing things like salads and almonds. I'll begin gradually adding them back in. This obstruction is such a wake up call for me. I have no idea why I ended up in the hospital, so I'm taking this one slowly. I am eating less and being very kind to my body.

You may ask why this time is different than the others, and honestly I'm not entirely sure. But I'm afraid. And I'm tired of being hospitalized. There's nothing worse than kissing my sleeping small human goodbye and not knowing when I'll be home or if I will be having surgery. 

After 22 years of suffering from a chronic illness, I've come to the realization that there is no magic fix. My actual Crohn's Disease is not active, but the obstructions are still happening. I'm sure stress plays a part, and during these COVID times while I'm still working remotely I've worked really hard to set up boundaries to help curb stress (which is only sometimes successful but I'm trying).

As much as I am craving a salad and want to be able to eat relatively normally, I know that isn't possible right now. And more importantly I know it may not be possible for a very long time. Maybe it'll never be possible. And I have to learn to be okay with that. I'm tired of being sick. I'm even more tired of being hospitalized. 

Last weekend we went to West Virginia, my happy place. Nine days after being discharged from the hospital I went for a run on the Deckers Creek Trail. Despite just over a week having passed I felt strong. The run cleared my mind and recharged my soul. It was the reset I needed. I realize I will never be cured of this disease, and I'll always be figuring it out to some extent. But for the first time in more than two decades I'm committed to being kind to my mind and body a priority.   

Running again and it feels so good.