My Immune System is Attacking Me

Tonight I have a really work big event: my boss's third State of the City speech. I've spent hours writing and tweaking the speech. Our team has been working feverishly for the last month to ensure the event will go off without a hitch. Yet this morning, before I get moving, I will give myself an injection of a biologic medication that targets my Crohn's inflammation. This tiny little syringe of goodness will keep me going for the next eight(ish) weeks.  Then tonight I will be at the boss's speech in a kick ass dress, super high heels, and you will never know I'm sick.

How does this small thing keep someone healthy for weeks? Incredible. 

Incredibles band-aids because I'm a boy mom. 

I'm really, really good at pretending to be well. I've spent my entire adult life doing it, and I'm a master. You'd likely never guess that the last time you saw me I felt crummy. I am able to push through a lot, and that's one of the biggest challenges of having an autoimmune disease. 

I'm guessing you don't even realize how many people you know with autoimmune diseases. People around you are suffering from things like Crohn's Disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus and more. For those of us with an autoimmune disease our immune systems are attacking our bodies. The symptoms manifest themselves in different diseases as noted above, but there's one common theme: every person I know who has an autoimmune disease is excellent at pretending. 

Here's the thing about an autoimmune disease: the effect of illness is cumulative. I haven't slept through the night in twenty years. I get up multiple times a night to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I call in sick to work simply because I am exhausted from being up all night. Earlier this week we had friends over for the Super Bowl. I went to bed around 9:30 p.m. and was up at 10:30. And 11:30. And midnight. And 1:30 a.m.. And 3:30 a.m. And 5:30 a.m. I laid in bed for a few minutes before surrendering to the new day at 5:45 a.m. But I woke up, drank a cup of coffee and got ready for my Monday like there was nothing going on. I spent the entire day exhausted. But I don't get to be exhausted. I powered through like nothing was wrong and crashed at 8:30 p.m. 

I had three surgeries my first year of law school. Many of my classmates didn't realize I had surgeries over both Christmas and spring break. I was back to class at the end of those breaks like nothing had happened. In the last six years I've been hospitalized five times. And I just keep going because there's no other option. That's how autoimmune diseases work - they're invisible and those suffering just keep going.

After this evening's speech I'm heading to the University of Michigan tomorrow and Friday for some testing to figure out what's going on with my Crohn's. Despite my outward bravado I've been having some significant symptoms. Honestly some of them have scared me, and I'm headed to figure out what's going on. My biggest fear is that they can't pinpoint the source of the inflammation, and I'll keep on as I have been the last few months. It's been a really challenging few months that really threatens to ruin my usually good poker face.

I generally have a good attitude because I know it could always be worse, but the last few months are wearing on me. It's becoming harder and harder to pretend, and I don't know how to be a sick person. Admitting that I am struggling is difficult, and honestly this is hard to write. 

I hope the testing over the next few days gives me a plan to move forward and tackle whatever this latest issue seems to be. Autoimmune diseases tend to have a lot of trial and error in testing and treatment, and I am keeping my fingers crossed that there's a real solution. Until I figure it out I'll be the woman at the Mayor's State of the City tonight rocking the dress and the heels and the attitude. There's always time to be a sick person tomorrow.