Practicing Imperfection
For the last four months I've been part of the staff cohort of the Bloomberg Harvard City Leadership Initiative (I blogged about it while in NYC in August). It's a challenging and fun program, but my favorite part is meeting so many other senior leaders who get what I'm doing and can truly empathize. It turns out I'm not alone.
As part of the Bloomberg program there is a leadership assessment that comprised of direct reports, peers, my boss and me filling out a leadership assessment about me. Then I had a 90 minute video chat with my leadership coach. My coach has an MBA from Harvard and a Doctor of Psychoanalysis (which I didn't know was a thing) from the Boston Graduate School of Psychoanalysis. She's pretty legit.
On the day of my video call with my coach I was not in the mood for it. It was scheduled for 90 minutes on a Friday of a week that had been crushing both physically and mentally. I was grappling with a professional challenge that I continued to feel like I couldn't get my arms around. I was absolutely not in the mood to spend 90 minutes on a (video!) call with a stranger.
When I got on the call I decided to just come clean and tell her I was having a rough day. There was no faking it. It turned into exactly what I needed that day - an impartial person to help me work through some tough professional things with which I'd been wrestling. It really turned into an hour and a half of therapy that I so desperately needed that day.
The leadership assessment itself was astounding. It surprised me that everyone who filled it out - my direct reports, peers and boss - all assessed me significantly higher than I assessed myself. I know I'm hard on myself, but I was surprised at how that compared to the way others view me. The only comment that was regular and less positive is that I tend to take on a lot. Yes, yes I do. My coach and I discussed previous professional situations where I felt like I had been placed in an impossible position where no action was the correct action and how that was affecting the way I view myself professionally. She said I need to move forward from those toxic situations, something I know but haven't always been able to do.
Toward the end of the call my coach told me that she thinks I'm a great professional and an excellent chief of staff, but what I really need to focus on is self compassion. She said as a perfectionist I need to practice imperfection. I replied, "What like not making my bed?"
That may seem like a small thing, but every single day I make my bed in this litany of chores I do each morning. I've discovered that the more organized my life is the more I feel like I'm in control of the chaos...even though I am intellectually aware that I am never truly in control of the chaos. Somehow making the bed is a key part of that.
That call was over a month ago, and I have yet to not make my bed. I did buy a few of the books she recommended on self compassion, but I have yet to begin practicing. Last year was a whirlwind where I did not take care of myself either physically or emotionally. I was at the very bottom of all of my to do lists, and this year that has to change.
On New Year's Eve I woke up at 5:20 am on my day off to try an early boxing class. I've never boxed before, and I was very nervous. The class was hard. My body hurt everywhere, and the next day I went back and did it again. I found myself energized and excited for something for ME for the first time in a long time.
I don't make resolutions, but this year my goal is to prioritize me again. I will run more miles, but first I'll energize myself again. I never expected I'd do that boxing, but I love everything about it. It's no surprise I've got a lot of aggression to unleash. I will read more books. I will go to sleep early without feeling guilty. I'll mostly try to manage the chaos and the mom guilt. In 2019 I will actively practice imperfection, and I will fail. And I'll be okay with failing. Mostly.
As part of the Bloomberg program there is a leadership assessment that comprised of direct reports, peers, my boss and me filling out a leadership assessment about me. Then I had a 90 minute video chat with my leadership coach. My coach has an MBA from Harvard and a Doctor of Psychoanalysis (which I didn't know was a thing) from the Boston Graduate School of Psychoanalysis. She's pretty legit.
On the day of my video call with my coach I was not in the mood for it. It was scheduled for 90 minutes on a Friday of a week that had been crushing both physically and mentally. I was grappling with a professional challenge that I continued to feel like I couldn't get my arms around. I was absolutely not in the mood to spend 90 minutes on a (video!) call with a stranger.
When I got on the call I decided to just come clean and tell her I was having a rough day. There was no faking it. It turned into exactly what I needed that day - an impartial person to help me work through some tough professional things with which I'd been wrestling. It really turned into an hour and a half of therapy that I so desperately needed that day.
The leadership assessment itself was astounding. It surprised me that everyone who filled it out - my direct reports, peers and boss - all assessed me significantly higher than I assessed myself. I know I'm hard on myself, but I was surprised at how that compared to the way others view me. The only comment that was regular and less positive is that I tend to take on a lot. Yes, yes I do. My coach and I discussed previous professional situations where I felt like I had been placed in an impossible position where no action was the correct action and how that was affecting the way I view myself professionally. She said I need to move forward from those toxic situations, something I know but haven't always been able to do.
Toward the end of the call my coach told me that she thinks I'm a great professional and an excellent chief of staff, but what I really need to focus on is self compassion. She said as a perfectionist I need to practice imperfection. I replied, "What like not making my bed?"
That may seem like a small thing, but every single day I make my bed in this litany of chores I do each morning. I've discovered that the more organized my life is the more I feel like I'm in control of the chaos...even though I am intellectually aware that I am never truly in control of the chaos. Somehow making the bed is a key part of that.
That call was over a month ago, and I have yet to not make my bed. I did buy a few of the books she recommended on self compassion, but I have yet to begin practicing. Last year was a whirlwind where I did not take care of myself either physically or emotionally. I was at the very bottom of all of my to do lists, and this year that has to change.
On New Year's Eve I woke up at 5:20 am on my day off to try an early boxing class. I've never boxed before, and I was very nervous. The class was hard. My body hurt everywhere, and the next day I went back and did it again. I found myself energized and excited for something for ME for the first time in a long time.
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| New workout clothes for Christmas = gym selfie. |
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