Mirrors (and Photos!) Don't Lie

I'll be honest - I've never struggled with my weight. I was 19 years old when I got sick with Crohn's, and this disease is its own weight loss program. Before that I was really active and never stopped moving. I was told once I had the metabolism of a hummingbird. For most of my life that's basically been true. So none of what I write in this blog should be taken as my thinking I have a weight problem or that I'm fat (I know that to be objectively untrue), but for the first time in my life it's gotten harder to take off. Let me rephrase: for the first time in my life I can't just eat and drink whatever I want and expect to not gain weight. It's an adjustment.

I've always loved exercise. I remember copying my older sister and doing workout videos from the time I was 11 years old. I was a cheerleader from third grade through high school. I took tumbling classes and added running to the repertoire once I was joined the track team in 9th grade. In college I joined a gym and went to the gym at 6 am five days a week...you know, like normal college kids do. I started running half marathons eleven years ago and I've never looked back. Given that level of activity I could eat a burger or drink lots of wine and never have issues. In 2014 I spent a month in the hospital and lost 30 pounds. It was a fun mission to gain weight. That is not the case today.

I've barely run for ten months. The abscess I had last year sidelined me, and I find other forms of exercise don't burn calories the same way. Add a persistent Crohn's flare to the abscess and exercise has been a challenge. At first I wasn't gaining weight, but I noticed my body changing. My clothes were fitting differently. Now that my Crohn's will support my running I have a pretty significant knee injury that has me in physical therapy and limits what exercise I can do. It's a pain. 

Icing my knee at PT. At least I feel like an athlete.

My clothes don't fit. For real. I was preparing for a meeting this morning and tried on nearly every dress in my closet. Most of them do not fit right now. I know how to dress my body, and I've been able to creatively hide my weight gain. But I have gained about 13 pounds in the last year, and I'm at my heaviest weight. Thirteen pounds is a lot on a 5'4" frame. It's not the end of the world, but now my clothes don't fit. I love my clothes. This, my friends, is a situation.

I asked my husband for a juicer for my birthday. I've always struggled with nutrition, and my Crohn's limits the amount of fruits and vegetables I can eat. So I'm going to try to eat more healthily. Not in an annoying way, but I've got to do something if I can't work out like I want to. I've also discovered that meat has been upsetting my stomach, so I'm going to limit it a bit. I'm not giving it up entirely but just making better choices. I still want to be able to drink red wine and down pasta on the regular. Really I'm just making choices so I can still do those things.

There's seriously apple, celery and lime in this profane cup.

Running is my stress relief. Although I've been swimming and doing other forms of cross training it's just not the same, and I'm desperately rehabbing my knee in hopes that it will get better. I need to run. Not just so my pants fit but so I'm a sane person. And so I can eat more pasta.

Recently I saw someone on Facebook asking for advice on how to lose weight. I'm a smart woman. I get the formula: calories in versus calories out. It's not a secret. I'm not getting younger, and it's never going to be easier to be in shape. And while I know objectively that I'm not overweight, I'm not happy with myself. That's unacceptable. I love my curves, and I don't want to change them. But I'd like them to be a little less aggressive so I can wear my favorite pencil skirt. If that means having an apple, celery, lime juice instead of a different snack I'll do it. That pencil skirt is worth it.